Thursday, December 18, 2003
Dear Santa,
I know I haven't written in several years, but I figured it was about time I pounded out a letter to you. My apologies for being so distant over the last fifteen years or so. I was upset and angry with you.
Santa, I just don't think you realized how much you hurt me. After our beagle Judy died, I don't think you understood just how much I really wanted another canine companion. But no, every year I put "dog" or "puppy" on my wish list, and every year you ignored me. I could almost hear you laughing at the hapless lad who insisted he would feed it and love it and play with it if only you would bring him a puppy for Christmas.
Alas, every year I went to the tree to open my presents and not a single one barked, not a single one scratched from the inside, not a single one even yipped in delight at being freed from its awful prison of cardboard and wrapping paper. I suppose I should be thankful that no puppy had to endure an evening in a dark cardboard box, thus requiring years of therapy at one of those animal psychiatrists I read about on the Internet. Still, man, I really wanted a frickin' puppy.
That's all behind me now, Santa. I understand that you thought I wouldn't care for him. I understand that you thought I was a careless child who would send some poor dog off to the Humane Society after I grew bored with him around New Year's Day. But honestly, couldn't you have at least glanced at my report cards and realized that I did my homework, that I had good grades, that I wasn't some dumb kid like the rest of my classmates? Okay, not fair -- my friend Rawl was and still is pretty smart. I think I'm smarter, but he might have words with me over that. Maybe I should challenge him to a game of Trivial Pursuit and we'll just see who's the smarter of the two of us.
Anyway, after years of waiting for a puppy, I grew up and finally gave up. Then, my parents suddenly decided five years ago this past summer to bring home a beagle pup. T the Terrible is a good friend -- a much better friend than you, ya pedophilic old coot.
That's right. I know what you do with those children on Christmas Eve. You're a sick bastard, you know that? I'm calling the fucking cops on you and they'll be banging down your door by the 23rd of December. Just in case, I'm CCing this little note to the Don Jail in Toronto just to make sure you get it. And you know what they do to sick fucks like you, right? Yeah, enjoy your stay…until you get gutted with a shiv. I'll be looking for your picture in the paper around February, asshole.
And all of this could've been avoided, Santa Claus, if you'd just brought me a puppy when I was a child as I'd asked. I hope your court case is long and painful and that the guy who slices open your rectum in prison keeps you alive just long to feel the pain.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go start a letter to the Easter Bunny about some stale chocolate eggs.
Sincerely,
Christopher Talbot
(who is most definitely going to Hell for this, if there is such a place -- good thing I'm an atheist, eh?)
I know I haven't written in several years, but I figured it was about time I pounded out a letter to you. My apologies for being so distant over the last fifteen years or so. I was upset and angry with you.
Santa, I just don't think you realized how much you hurt me. After our beagle Judy died, I don't think you understood just how much I really wanted another canine companion. But no, every year I put "dog" or "puppy" on my wish list, and every year you ignored me. I could almost hear you laughing at the hapless lad who insisted he would feed it and love it and play with it if only you would bring him a puppy for Christmas.
Alas, every year I went to the tree to open my presents and not a single one barked, not a single one scratched from the inside, not a single one even yipped in delight at being freed from its awful prison of cardboard and wrapping paper. I suppose I should be thankful that no puppy had to endure an evening in a dark cardboard box, thus requiring years of therapy at one of those animal psychiatrists I read about on the Internet. Still, man, I really wanted a frickin' puppy.
That's all behind me now, Santa. I understand that you thought I wouldn't care for him. I understand that you thought I was a careless child who would send some poor dog off to the Humane Society after I grew bored with him around New Year's Day. But honestly, couldn't you have at least glanced at my report cards and realized that I did my homework, that I had good grades, that I wasn't some dumb kid like the rest of my classmates? Okay, not fair -- my friend Rawl was and still is pretty smart. I think I'm smarter, but he might have words with me over that. Maybe I should challenge him to a game of Trivial Pursuit and we'll just see who's the smarter of the two of us.
Anyway, after years of waiting for a puppy, I grew up and finally gave up. Then, my parents suddenly decided five years ago this past summer to bring home a beagle pup. T the Terrible is a good friend -- a much better friend than you, ya pedophilic old coot.
That's right. I know what you do with those children on Christmas Eve. You're a sick bastard, you know that? I'm calling the fucking cops on you and they'll be banging down your door by the 23rd of December. Just in case, I'm CCing this little note to the Don Jail in Toronto just to make sure you get it. And you know what they do to sick fucks like you, right? Yeah, enjoy your stay…until you get gutted with a shiv. I'll be looking for your picture in the paper around February, asshole.
And all of this could've been avoided, Santa Claus, if you'd just brought me a puppy when I was a child as I'd asked. I hope your court case is long and painful and that the guy who slices open your rectum in prison keeps you alive just long to feel the pain.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go start a letter to the Easter Bunny about some stale chocolate eggs.
Sincerely,
Christopher Talbot
(who is most definitely going to Hell for this, if there is such a place -- good thing I'm an atheist, eh?)
// posted by Chris @ 5:06 PM 
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