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Here's your only warning, readers. The character I'm about to describe was a cruel, brutal, mean son of a bitch who engaged in all manner of devious activities, including murder, slavery and the sale of a female character's body to a bunch of nasty demihumans. Nasty, little fucker, was he. If you're easily offended, don't read this. I've never played a character that was more vile than this one.

My most diabolical character, who I now refer to as The Black Priest because I quite frankly can't remember the character's name (and because the son of a bitch was so fucking cruel), was so evil and so antisocial that the gaming group begged and pleaded with me to give up the character. After a failed assassination attempt on the lives of half the party, I agreed and retired him forever.

In a way, The Black Priest was the polar opposite of Father Edwards, and I know for a fact that the character came much later during one of Sean's Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, 2nd Edition campaigns. The rest of that party consisted of Tom's elven ranger, Steve's elven mage, Logan as a swan may cleric (the only time Logan ever played a female -- keep reading for why) and Tim as a human fighter (as always).

Anyway, The Black Priest's first and last adventure sent us to a small-ish dungeon to retrieve a rare plant that only grew in the confines of that dungeon (apparently the lack of sunlight never dawned on Sean -- but hey, fuck it, keep reading for more unreality *grin*). As the five party members set foot in the dungeon and began the treacherous journey underground, The Black Priest started laying down the law. He was in charge, the others would do as they were fucking told and there would be no lip -- or there would be some slit throats. Steve's mage immediately sided with the Priest (smart man, that mage).

The trouble began almost at once. Tom's ranger wasn't about to take any orders and took issue with the Priest's leadership. Well, such insubordination was not to be tolerated. A warning was in order. The Priest drew a dagger, reached out and slashed the ranger's bowstring, rendering the elf's most useful weapon useless. I remember Tom glaring at me with wide eyes at what my character had just done to his, and he was on the verge of throwing a real-life temper tantrum. Thankfully, he calmed, remembering it was just a game. Furious, his character turned on his heel and stormed out of the dungeon, the rest of the party following.

The ranger had decided that if his bow was useless, he wasn't going down into that dungeon. That's when I nudged him with the idea that a true archer would have at least one spare bowstring. With everything calm once again, the ranger restrung his bow and we continued down into the dungeon, with The Black Priest giving warnings against further insubordination.

I don't remember the first couple of encounters, but as the party neared a rather large opening, the adventurers noticed that the room ahead was full of orcs. It was about this time that Logan had to leave (the poor guy -- he'll never forgive me for what happened next). The Black Priest turned to the group and, not wanting a long, drawn-out battle with a bunch of orcs, he offered another option. They would negotiate with the orcs for passage. And they did. Handing over the swan may as a prisoner, the orcs were quite happy to allow the party safe passage in and out of the dungeon. Unfortunately, the topping on the sundae was the Priest put the idea into the orcs' heads that the swan may would make an excellent sex slave. ... Ahem. Moving on now... (I told you he was an evil bastard.)

With the party now down to four and the orcs engaged in some not-nice-things with the swan may, the adventurers continued down through the dungeon, killing monsters and stealing treasure until they reached a simple, human-sized door. Peering inside, the description given by Sean was "you see a hydra." Eek! The party retreated a bit to discuss things. The Black Priest was sure as hell not going to risk his life against a hydra (a dragon-like beast with multiple heads and a lot of hit points) over the few coins he would make by getting the plant.

The decision was made quickly -- the Priest and the mage would not go in, but the ranger and the fighter would. Expecting death and dismemberment, the party was in for a surprise. According to our dungeon master, it was just a "little hydra," a beast with only one head (so basically, it wasn't a hydra but a big lizard -- but how did it get into that room through such a small door?). After a fit of laughter from the players, the battle commenced, and the fighter and ranger quickly slew the monster and found the plant. While they cleaned their weapons, The Black Priest told the mage he had a new plan. Since the beast was dead, and their comrades had found the plant and were no doubt exhausted from the fight, they would slip in and kill them both. That way, the profit for the successful mission would theirs, all theirs.

As the ranger and fighter rested and cleaned up their weapons, the cleric and mage slipped into the hydra's lair. The mage tried to cast a Sleep spell to make the battle simple, but the fighter made his save and the elf ranger was practically immune to such things. Sean described the scene like this to the ranger and fighter: "Your eyes start to get tired, but then you wake up instead." Basically, that's about right.

Tom turned and looked right at me, vengeance in his eyes. He said, "Now you're dead." And that's when the discussion broke out about the effects of a failed Sleep spell. Would the victims know, or would they not? In the end, Sean sided with the nots, and events were reversed. Seeing himself up against two warrior classes with only an inept mage on his side, The Black Priest opted not to do anything further to enrage his enemies/party members.

Unfortunately, night was coming, and the party had moved up to the entrance to make camp. However, because of the distrust, there was a very long argument about who would take first watch. Everyone seemed sure that whoever took first watch would kill half the party. In the end, meta-gaming saved the day, as I suggested I retire The Black Priest (a suggestion that had been made a few times throughout the adventure). Since Steve's mage was also on the outs with the other party members, he would also retire his character, and we would both roll up new ones. The adventure ended with The Black Priest taking first watch, but he and the mage snuck away from the camp during the twilight hours and vanished. I think they stole the plant, though.

It almost scares me to think that The Black Priest and his mage bitch are still wandering around out there somewhere, causing mayhem wherever they go.

// posted by Chris @ 4:14 PM